AngelDust442's Blog
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12/29/07 0 CommentsMEMORIES AND FAVORS
Hey Everyone! Man its been quite a while since I've been here. It happens when you have a very active 1 year old child and a full time job! Anyways I wanted to start this blog by paying tribute to my dear friend and fellow Loyal Bob. I had talked to him many times and he was a sweet and kind man that I cared for very much. I hadn't spoken to him in recent weeks and so my heart was especially broken when I heard of his passing. My heart goes out to his family. I know he is up there watching over all of us and perhaps he is spending time with Criss's father. I will miss him Bob dearly and he will always be in my thoughts.
In other business, I have a favor to ask of my fellow Loyals. I belong to a web community called Fubar. It is a virtual happy hour where you can meet lots of new people, buy each other virtual drinks, rate photos, play games, chat in lounges, and just have a good time. I am trying to recruit new members to the site. If any of you are interested, please click on the link below and sign up! I will rate and become a friend and fan of anyone who joins and help you to increas your level. Its really a cool place to spend time and I hope some of you will join me!!! Thanks guys!!! I will be back for another blog soon. I love you all and its great to be back!!
http://www.fubar.com/party.php/3820470
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11/2/07 1 CommentMY NEW BLOG
I started a thread in the "Stuff" forum about a blog I started. Here is the link for it...
http://lifeinthefreaklane.blogspot.com/
I hope all of you will check it out and leave comments. Better yet I hope those who do read it, keep on comin back to read more!!
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10/29/07 1 CommentFREAKING OUT!!!
I am so worried about my mom right now it is not even funny. For the second time in a little over a week she had a strange espisode today where both her arms seemed to go numb and she could not control them. Only this time the episode was followed by her feeling very sick and weak. I'm really worried about her. The work STROKE keeps pounding in my brain. I told her she should get dressed and let me take her straight to the emergency room but she refused. She keeps saying it's probably nothing and she's fine. I got so mad I stormed out her room then when I sat down to try and work, I started bawling. I don't want anything bad to happen to her. We butt heads and fight a lot but she's still my best friend and I would be lost without her. I went back in to talk to her a little while ago. She saw that I was upset so she gave me a hug and promised me would stay in bed for the rest of the day and call the doctor first thing tomorrow morning. Please say a prayer for her that everything will be ok. Thanks you guys
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10/23/07 2 CommentsGRRRRRR!!
I know there's probably 500 other blogs out there like this but seriously WTF??? I can't believe the fan club was not only totally re-vamped but merged with ca.com. Beyond that it REALLY irritates me that we were never told about it before hand. We have to re-add all our friends, re-upload our photos. UGH. I have to admit I think it looks cool as hell but it took me some time to figure out how to navigate it. Change is always good but for crying out loud people TELL US ABOUT IT!!!! I hope at least that this page is updated on a more regular basis than the old one was. That would be a big ol' plus!
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10/20/07 1 CommentCHANGES
It's amazing how life changes. One minute I'm living with someone and raising our daughter with him and the next I'm showing him the door and moving on with my life. It's the second abusive relationship I've been in. Not physically abusive but verbally abusive. We dated for nearly four years. We broke up more times than I can remember. I kept fooling myself into believing I needed him and I couldn't live without him. Looking back I think I was afraid of being alone. Not only that but I was afraid I wouldn't find love again. Amazingly enough, I already have.
It seems impossible to think that after less than a month of being seperated from my ex, I'm embarking on a relationship with another man but it is definatley happening. Neither of us expected it but finding each other has made us both so happy.
His name is Colt and he is actually a friend I met through my ex about a year ago. We talked pretty regularly but then he had a falling out with my ex and we stopped talking for a while. Then out of the blue about two months ago my ex broke things off with me for the millionth time. Almost over night he started screwing around with a bartender from the bar we used to hang at all the time. He rubbed it in my face every chance he got. He even made me meet her and it was torture. He hurt me more than he ever did before but after a week he dumped her and came crawling back to me. By the time that happened, I had already started talking to Colt again. I needed someone to talk to and I had heard through the grapevine that Colt had broken up with his long time girlfriend so I sent him a message on myspace and we got back in touch. I thought it would be good to talk to him because he would understand more than anyone what I was going through. He did and in more ways than I could have imagined.
(Before I go any further I should mention that I did write about some of this in a past blog but I decided the blog was a bit too personal and possibly offensive so I deleted it)
Anyways, the night before my ex Jim asked to get back together I talked with Colt for hours. We learned that our relationships were so similar it was scary. He had gone through the same things with his ex that I was still going through with Jim. It's odd to think that a man would be part of a verbally abusive relationship and not be the antagonist but it does happen. We sat on a beach over looking lake michigan talking into the wee hours of the morning about anything and everything. When I started to shiver Colt put his arm around me to warm me up. It didn't start off as a date but while we were walking to our cars, he stopped suddenly and leaned down and kissed me. I tried to deny what that kiss made me feel but after a while I just couldn't. I got the biggest butterflies in my stomach and when I woke up in the morning, they were still there. A kiss hasn't rocked me like that in a long time.
Colt and I got closer and closer and on our second trip to the beach, a little more than kissing happened. It was so romantic but at the same time there was a lot of guilt because by that time I had reluctantly agreed to go back out with Jim. I know now it was because I didn't want to get kicked out of his house and have to move back in with my parents. I ended up doing that anyway but I had no other choice.
I felt so guilty about cheating but I didn't want Jim to know. He already knew that I was hanging out with Colt and he hated it. He constantly tried to tell all these terrible things about Colt and begged me to stay away from him but I knew everything he was saying was a lie. I've gotten to know Colt quite well and I know he's not the monster than a lot of people make him out to be.
I began to do a lot of thinking and the more time I spent with Colt, the more clear it became how unhappy I had been with Jim. He constantly put me down and screamed at me for a million different stupid reasons. I hadn't felt loved in a long long time. That realization gave me the push I needed to take action.
I came clean to Jim about my cheating and told him I didn't want to be with him anymore. Even now he insists I dumped him for Colt but that's not what happened. To be perfectly honest, my heart hadn't been in it for a long time. I was just too blinded by fear to see it.
Colt and I have been dating officially for 2 weeks but we had been seeing each other for more than a month. He is a wonderful man and I'm happier than I've been in years. He treats me the way I should have been treated for the past 4 years. He tells me I'm beautiful and that I'm perfect the way I am. For so long I had to hide who I really was because there were so many things about me that my ex didn't like. Before I started seeing Colt. I'd begun to forget who I really was but not anymore. I can totally be myself around Colt. He says there isin't a single thing he would change about me. He's kind and sweet and passionate. He listens to me and he understands me better than my ex ever did. We understand each other so well. It shouldn't have suprised me that we fell in love so fast, but it did. Last night Colt told me he was in love with me. That's never happened before. Sure I've had guys tell me they love me but not a single one of them ever looked me in the eye and said I'm in love with you, madly, deeply, truly in love with you. I almost cried. I've been waiting for those words for so long. I had only dreamed of being with someone whose kiss would skake me to the core and whose touch would instantly comfort me. Colt is slowly but surely becoming that person.
I'm trying to take things slow and not jump into anything but you can't help your feelings. I love Colt and being with him makes me so happy. I'm scared to death of having my heart broken because I've been burned so many times in the past but when I look into Colt's eyes I feel like I can trust his word.
As for Jim and I well we worked everything out with our daughter and we're trying to get along so we'll just have to see how things go.
I've learned that you have to take risks for the things you want. I've dreamt of true love practically my whole life. I'm willing to risk heart ache to find it. I'm not sure yet that I've found that love with Colt but I'm not afraid to open my heart to the possiblity. Wish me luck!!!!
