I posted this blog at my Myspace yesterday but decided to share it with you all since it is very relevant here as well. :)

Over the last few months I have been searching and gathering ideas for my next tattoo. A lot has happened to me in the last year. A lot of changes. It was a long and often hard road but I feel that I have come out of it a wiser and stronger person. I still have a lot of learning to do though but that's okay.

In November I had my Hawaiian tattoo done which marked a huge turning point in my life. My husband and I honeymooned in Maui so I found this particular tattoo depicted that part of my life perfectly. It marks my commitment, my love, my over all joy. There are pieces of both of us captured in this tattoo.

July brought with it the two year mark since my root canal was done. Two years since that dentist whom I now refer to so lovingly (if you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic) as "Dr. Satan" caused irreversible damage to my jaw joints. Two years since the pain started. Two years since the worry, anxiety and fear of "what the hell is wrong with me?" set in.

This coming September will mark my first year living with Fibromyalgia. Even though the year seems to be moving so fast, I had a lot to deal with over that year not to mention the year previous to that. There are a ton of happy memories but at the same time a lot of struggling, a lot of questioning, a lot of difficult obstacles.

Being diagnosed at 22 years old with a chronic pain condition, a condition that will forever be with me, well….it wasn't easy to deal with. It was a relief to have a name to give my condition, but that relief was rather a small one. My mind had been so plagued with worry and fear leading up to that moment that when my diagnosis came I was both happy to have an official face to put on my pain but also became incredibly frustrated. We all live our lives expecting everything to be normal and that our bodies will remain the same. You don't think that you can go from how you normally feel, how your normally function into a whole new world. With the blink of an eye everything you once knew had been turned upside down. For lack of better wording, it fucks with your mind.

I found myself constantly questioning everything I did. Every action I made had a consequence. I became easily angered and constantly frustrated. The simplest of things could make me angry. This was before I discovered that stress is quite an aggravating factor for Fibromyalgia. The more stress you have the more pain you get. My medication does help for the pain but it cannot get my mind out of the state I was in. That job was up to me.

I had to stop questioning myself and learn. When you suffer from a chronic condition, knowledge is key. Communication with those around you is so incredibly important. Only when you understand yourself can you help yourself and teach your loved ones how you feel and in turn, help them to learn what they can do for you.

As the months went by I got my hands on every reference I could regarding Fibromyalgia and joined on-line communities so I am able to speak with others in the same place. We all function differently but the support is wonderful and we're an endless chain of knowledge and advice.

Music has helped me greatly to de-stress. Music can be very healing and inspirational. I owe a lot to Jeff Martin of The Tea Party. His music has got me though a lot of crappy times and an always make me feel better. Rufus Wainwright is a musical genius. His hauntingly beautiful voice combined with his piano can ease your mind like nothing else. I just love love love Rufus.

A few months ago I discovered Criss Angel. His show Mindfreak on A&E totally sucked me in. The first episode I ever saw was "Body suspension" where Criss flew of the Vally of Fire in Nevada suspended by fish hooks through the flesh of his back. I amazed me that someone would actually want to inflict themselves with pain like that. As Criss flew over the desert you could tell that there was something greater going on. He is able to put his mind in a state where pain does not exist. When he finished his stunt you could feel how proud he was of himself. He accomplished something that he had been dreaming of for a long time. I so desperately wanted to feel that kind of pride.

The next day I ordered season 1 & 2 of Mindfreak. I couldn't stop watching once they arrived. His illusions are mind blowing. His stunts, as dangerous and unnerving as they are, are just incredible. It's not just his talent that drew me in. More than his outstanding talent, it was Criss himself. His outlook on life, his attitude, his overall being is just so amazing. He really makes an emotional connection with his audience.

It is Criss' hope that with his art he can inspire others. He believes that when the mind, body and spirit work together that anything is possible. Believe, believe, believe! Criss puts himself on the line everday and it is his hope that he can teach others that if he can escape the situation he willingly put himself into that we can escape whatever situation we may be in. He believes that fear is a state of mind. I have found this to be very, very true.

Along with being an illustionist, magician, escapeoligist, over all MINDFREAK, Criss is also a musician. One line from a song of his in particular speaks to me; "Control yourself before yourself controlls you". That lyric speaks volumes. I have to be in control of myself. Nobody can change me except me.

Criss has really helped me open up and really face the situation facing me. He has helped me learn that I have nothing to fear and that I CAN live with my condition. Sure, I'm going to have pain, but I don't have to let the pain rule me. Slowly I am learning ways to cope and live with my body. He has taught me not to let my fears get the best of me. Criss really did come into my life at the most perfect time. I have amazing family and the best friends who understand my pain and do everything in their power to help but it always felt like there was a little something still missing to my puzzle and Criss definitely was the missing piece. Go ahead and laugh all you want or whatever you may feel but I am living proof that there are other people out there who have the power to inspire, to help you cope. Criss has the best philosopy and outlook on life that I have ever seen. There really are no words to truly express how much he has helped me and I don't think anyone can really understand that unless they themselves understand Criss.

All this being said, the design for my tattoo is very personal and to me marks perfectly the journey I have been on and the journey that is to follow.

My tattoo will be large and on my right shoulder. I have been drawn to a design of a Phoenix. Why? It's simple really. The Phoenix is a sacred firebird in Ancient Egyptian mythology. One story says that at the end of the bird's life-cycle (said to live for 500 - 1461 years) the Phoenix builds a nest of cinnamon twigs that it then sets onfire. Both the nest and bird burn and from the ashes a new, young Phoenix is born. The bird is also said to be able to regenerate when injured and tears from the Phoenix have the power to heal.

To me the Phoenix symbolizes the journey I have been on over the last few years. When my Fibromyalgia came, the life I had lived perviously had been take away but as I grew and educated myself I have found a whole new world. Much like the death and re-birth of the Phoenix.

In the center of the back on my Phoenix I am going to have Criss Angel's logo. Criss himself is constantly changing and learning. Criss is very much like the beautiful Phoenix and he has helped me along on my journey and has opened my eyes to the great things around me. It is very important to me to have a part of Criss incorporated into my tattoo and he fits the Phoenix more than perfectly.

I have spent time debating whether I should include some lyrics from a favourite Tea Party song but after much consideration, I think that will be too distracting and too busy. And, let's face it, there's only so much room on my shoulder! haha. Instead of the lyrics I have decided to go with "Believe" between the wings of the Phoenix. The Tea Party lyrics I can definitely work into a future tattoo.

Here is a photo of my tattoo design, minus Criss' logo. That has to be drawn in professionally by my artist.